Twitter Jokes

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

I need a less intrusive addiction than Twitter so I started using meth this morning.

M: I can't access Twitter IT: We blocked twitter M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now? IT: Work? M: Who hurt you?

I think I might be famous because twitter just asked me to verify my account. Does this mean I have to do coke now?

Everyone should have that "tester" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.

A picture's worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.

Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend? It's not like they had to be there...

If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.

Did anyone happen to DVR Twitter for me? I missed the last 3 weeks and I would like to fast forward through all the Justin Bieber parts.

"She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, "Hey, I found you on Twitter" and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.

Just figured out what "CW" means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it. Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: "their", meaning "belongs to them." Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Twitter Taking the everyday boring shit and putting a much better funny twist on it.

Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter

It'd be pretty rad if the Pope's Twitter account was just Billy Joel's second Twitter account where he only tweets while on Ambien.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.

Define "no more Twitter or I will leave you."

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful. Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

The Wife just accused me of loving Twitter more than her. I said, "but honey! I love you much more than Facebook or LinkedIn!"

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.