4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

My first child will be named New Folder.

jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".

[turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here