Twitter Jokes

Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

yeah i like going to the gym. if by gym you mean beer and Netflix. 20 billion RTs 1 trillion favs, rted by the official white house twitter

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don't notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I'll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don't have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

I have a lot of guilt from things I've done in the past so I'm grateful Twitter allows me to focus my pent up anger on strangers.

Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i'm on Twitter.

Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING

Twitter. Where people you don't know are better friends than your real friends.

I'm going as "Twitter Elite" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.

Is anyone on Twitter named Sarah Connor? If so, where do you live? Nothing to worry about, just a simple survey for my neural net processor.

Today's the 3rd anniversary of my joining Twitter. Also the 3rd anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book.

Hey everyone, my mom's following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.

I watched an entire movie with my daughter without checking Twitter once. I got this addiction beat. Now how do I stop the twitching?

After ten minutes trying to explain twitter to a friend I gave up and told her it was a pyramid scheme.

3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner...cuz of Twitter.

Objects on twitter may appear funnier than they are.

I just got this twitter error: "The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it." Apparently, twitter thinks we're married.

Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

In 2017, every TV show's marketing plan will be to add a Trump parody character so he's compelled to watch & cry on twitter about it.

I guess it goes without saying that I'm the Han Solo of Twitter, and you guys are Ewoks. Not even the Ewoks with names. Background Ewoks.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.