Twitter Jokes

Get off the goddamn Twitter, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back

Some guy told me he liked me, but he doesn't follow me on twitter so his opinion is invalid.

The limerick writers on Twitter Can be justifiably bitter The limited length Is weakness, not strength And throws our last lines down the sh

"Are there drug dealers on Twitter?" Asking for 522 friends.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen

Twitter should allow you to select the font your tweets appear in; thus giving me yet another thing to judge you by.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man's twitter crush. -Emojenesis 8:15

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven't been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what's wrong with you.

A year on twitter... I remember when all this was fields.

Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.

Time for an update twitter. Please add a "WHO CARES" button right next to retweet and favorite.

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren't phony enough for Facebook but aren't edgy enough for Twitter.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

My wife is: 1) Am amazing mom and a great friend 2) Still the most beautiful girl I've ever been with 3) Now following me on Twitter

He is on that bird call website a lot. - My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Whenever I have a twitter break, I check my job.

Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin', went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.

What's the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he's my twitter husband. Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.

If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN'T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Friend: What time is it? Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away) Friend: Well? Me: Well what?

"Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account...?" hahahaha yeah, that'll go well

just saw a political argument on twitter that ended with everyone deciding that they disagreed but respected each other's opinions lol jk