Twitter Jokes

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

In my doctor's waiting room, I explained to a WWII veteran what a Twitter follower count is. I think he regrets winning the war now.

If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes

*Watches sad movie* Wife: I like happy endings. Me: me too, but you have to tip more. Wife:... Me: twitter would have liked it.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don't even walk into the right room

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I'd be dragged to church for an exorcism.

I'm supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break. It's not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys... Win/Win.

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.

*Hits rock bottom. *Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least): 1. Text 2. Twitter DM 3. Email 4. Phone 5. Climb through my window 6. LinkedIn

The more Twitter tells me it's over Capacity, the more I suspect Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.

Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

Being on Twitter is like being at a party in that I say stuff to myself and sometimes people listen

RT if you've followed someone on twitter and then realized you hate them.

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

You know yer addicted to twitter when you count letters in the surgeon general's warning on the vodka bottle & think "Yeah, that would fit."

What did people do every 5 seconds before Facebook and Twitter?

If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.