You know yer addicted to twitter when you count letters in the surgeon general's warning on the vodka bottle & think "Yeah, that would fit."

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

My medical insurance plan is so bad that I'm not allowed to see my doctor. He just reads my Twitter and adjusts my medications.

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.