My medical insurance plan is so bad that I'm not allowed to see my doctor. He just reads my Twitter and adjusts my medications.

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer

In my doctor's waiting room, I explained to a WWII veteran what a Twitter follower count is. I think he regrets winning the war now.