Twitter Jokes

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few.

Does anyone on here know how to "unhook" Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??

today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle

I'm 291 away from having 3000 followers on Twitter and 8 away from having 10 friends in real life.

"Well I should probably get off twitter. I have to be at work in 15 minutes and I haven't even showered yet." - me and at least 100 of you

Stalk your awful ex on Twitter, Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll. 'Tis the season to be bitter. Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.

I can't wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card

"Twitter got hacked by some idiot in the projects. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya husband too, 'cause they hackin' everybody out here."

You know that schizophrenic hobo that has nonsensical conversations with himself? That's Twitter in real life.

It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband

Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper "favorite".

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

Twitter goes over capacity more than Kirstie Alley's home elevator.

It's funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you're hot. -everyone on Twitter

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Padre: What is your sin, my child? Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn't have Twitter in the 80s

Four stages of my life: 1. Life is beautiful. 2. What is twitter? 3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life?

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one.