Twitter Jokes

Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she'll log into twitter.

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter. I call bullshit. After logging on, most of us aren't motivated enough to get dressed

If Twitter has taught me anything in 6 years, it's "that" is the most unnecessary word in the English language.

If you're famous and your name suddenly becomes a Twitter trending topic, you are probably dead.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts.

A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she's been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data

If Twitter adds an edit button you'll retweet "I like kittens" and ten minutes later it'll say "I drink period blood."

I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: "In space no one can hear you tweet."

fire works? buddy all fire works haha just some topical humor here on Twitter Online, where anything can happen

On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at Twitter on my iPhone.

Time Magazine lists the 140 best Twitter feeds. Maybe later my fax machine will list the best smartphones.

Catch 22: Husband said if I quit Twitter he would pay for a boob job. But if I had huge jugs I would get tons of new followers. Sigh.

"Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me" - everyone on twitter ever.

I have a life besides Twitter. Like this one time that I take a walk into the woods but then realize there was no wifi & I began to panic.

It's impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye. So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

I remember that one time, before Twitter, when I went outside and did shit.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages: 1. instant gratification 2. sense of impatient entitlement 3. misunderstanding of basic math

Please don't directly insult people on Twitter. Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word 'follower' should be evidence of that

With the exchange rate, Canadians only have 120 characters on Twitter. So we have less room to be clever than Ameri

Girls. Don't get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.