Twitter Jokes

Did you know you can use voice-to-text on Twitter so this tweet came from my mouth and also stop staring at me people on this bus.

So many good jokes on twitter today. Comparatively few reliable strategies for achieving eternal life.

I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

USERS: you're alienating the people who actually use your product TWITTER: likes are now florps USERS: what TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue? Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?

How did we even waste time before Twitter?

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm pretty? Cop: No Me: Because I'm on Twitter? Cop: No Me: Officer I can do this all day

Friend's Fb post: In search of a coat hanger My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car? I've been on Twitter too long

Hot girls on Twitter: Single and straight: 3% Lesbians: 12% Taken and straight: 15% Men: 70%

It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.

Experts are close to classifying internet addiction as a mental illness. They just need to check one more thing. And Facebook. And Twitter.

Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into twitter.

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.

Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

H: I don't understand what goes on in your head. Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this. H: No, we're good.

A handsome man came up to me today & said "Hi what's your name?" I said "You on Twitter?" He said "No" We're getting married on Monday!

*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you're an inmate & tweeting from prison.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads. 7yo: why do you need to be a bird? my 7yo is ready for twitter.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

After you're done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.

just applied for health insurance & boy r my arms tired! *quote goes up to $330/month* noooo it was a joke I'm a jokeman on Twitter *$3000*

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby