Twitter Jokes

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments.

"Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."

Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet.

Guys, no one on Twitter cares about what you're doing. They just want to know about how much you hate what you're doing.

Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won't hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry

You haven't mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it's about them

How's this for a magic trick: I sign into Twitter and my desire to do anything productive just disappears.

*me loggin into twitter* I'll have to bypass their security system *types in password* bingo

If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don't think you understand what it is we do here.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook. I know that now.

jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".

If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.

Twitter - to help future generations discover if there's ever been any mental illness in the family.

Before twitter, celebrities used to sit dead for months and months completely unnoticed.

twitter has a very "high school class where the teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes" vibe

Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I've been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015] Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I likes my liver like I likes my Twitter. Over capacity.