Twitter Jokes

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

Twitter is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do and takes you nowhere

Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking

"So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another" -How I Met Your Stepmother

Isn't Twitter basically all NSFW since we all tweet while we're at work & hit the 'Close Tab' button like a ninja when the boss walks by?

I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Thanks to Twitter, I can't go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?

Coworker: What's so funny M: Twitter Cw: Oh! I'm on there, what's your @ M: I meant twizzlers.. Cw: You're looking at your phone. M:...

Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.

Just read "four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking" I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.

Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married.

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man "What are you thinking?" Because now I know and I am horrified.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

A) I don't care who is stalking my twitter B) I don't care who is saying terrible things about me C) I don't care - OH! Free iPad??? *click*

Twitter kidnapped my Tweets. I just posted 2 of them and they disappeared. I hope they're okay and are being treated well wherever they are.

If you are on a low-sodium diet avoid my twitter because I AM VERY SALTY TODAY.

*walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!

When my twitter crush rt's another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she.

me: mom i like this person from twitter mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update

MySpace got old. Facebook got old. Now Twitter is getting old. What next? Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I've made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

My medical insurance plan is so bad that I'm not allowed to see my doctor. He just reads my Twitter and adjusts my medications.

Twitter is going to get very dark when we all get older and are still tweeting from our Alzheimer and dementia riddled brains.

"Hey, let's get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!" - Twitter