Twitter Jokes

"Okay, just gonna check Twitter ONE MORE TIME and then I'll get back to work." - me, always

Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.

If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.

settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

"What time is it?" *pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away* *Still has no idea what time it is*

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Twitter drama doesn't have anything on LinkedIn drama.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail.

I'm so glad that Twitter keeps track of my number of posts. It is so refreshing to be able to properly quantify my wasted time.

Twitter. /twt.r/ (noun) Twit-ur: an omnidirectional toxic sludge pump for the lame and unfunny musings of the imbecilic masses.

RIP time spent on Twitter.

Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them

When everything else in life fails you, there's always Twitter.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

One thing I don't like about Twitter is that you can read something & think it's funny & only afterward realize it was written by a woman.

I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds. Then I got a Twitter account, and I'm over it.

ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer

They called it Twitter because Everybody Poops was taken.

I now determine the days of the week based on Twitter. Is it Follow Friday yet?

Two words that would mean the end of Twitter - Miley Bieber.

i told this girl at the bar that im kinda popular on twitter and she sighed for 17 minutes straight the bartender timed it

Bad news. I just held a test strip in my Twitter stream, and it turns out you're all pregnant.

Twitter should give you rollover characters from your short tweets.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.