Twitter Jokes

When ya leave Twitter it's called twittercide. What about Instagram? Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

Facebook people don't like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.

If Twitter was any more fun we'd have to smuggle it in from Mexico.

People act so tough on Twitter. I'd bet that half of you have never even killed a man.

Commercial for Twitter: "Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?"

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

A friend told me I take twitter way too seriously. Don't worry, I unfollowed her.

I come to Twitter for the recipe trading, but I stay for the overt racism!

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

ODE TO TWITTER Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder where you are, Twitter changed you to a heart, I don't think they're very smart

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter. Now I don't have any.

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*

[stuck on an island] message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we'll send help

Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you're doing it for attention and we ALL know you'll be back.

This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]

"Snowmageddon"? We can do better, Twitter. #SnowCountryForOldMen #ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter #SnowMommaFromTheTrain #Snowverfield

Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.

A bird in the... *BLOCKED* Birds of ... *BLOCKED The early bird catches the wo...*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT -worms on Twitter

You know you're on Twitter too much when you start learning the news from the jokes.

I never could have made it to my sixth Twitter anniversary without the support of my wife and kids, whatever their names are.

Guys, I ran the numbers, and each 1000 Twitter followers adds about as much actual value and happiness to your life as a taco.

Stranger adds me to facebook *has a panic attack* Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter *does victory dance*