Twitter Jokes

*makes typo* *deletes tweet* *deletes twitter* *deletes life*

My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don't take it as a suppository.

I'm on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.

Girls on Facebook call it, "The Walk of Shame." Girls on Twitter call it, "The Strut of Satisfaction"

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

The "letters to the editor" page of your local newspaper is like Twitter for the elderly.

We're gonna break the Twitter on Mother's Day with Your Mom jokes, aren't we?

Hey rappers on twitter, saying "LOL" in every tweet is about as gangster as two dolphins sitting on a rainbow tongue kissing

"It is scary how much false attribution of quotes occurs on Twitter." - Mark Twain

Assuming Twitter is legally binding, when I die, please wrap me in a giant ball of burrata as this is my greatest wish. Thank you.

Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow? Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

Going out in my hometown tonight. Hope my old bullies are really impressed by my parody twitter accounts.

i want a google chrome plugin that's a todolist manager and the way you launch it is, you visit twitter, but it shows your todos instead

The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she's just found my twitter account

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that... it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine - William Shakespeare

Six inches of snow predicted tonight: Is that twitter 6" | | Subway 6" | | Real life 6" | | Or Dan 6" | | Cheesecake

Since joining twitter I've started 2 new collections .......... Dust and cobwebs !

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.

*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode* *changes Twitter bio to "musician/songwriter"*

Before Twitter there was Facebook, before Facebook there was MySpace and before that I had a life.

I'm having trouble discerning my Twitter voice from my professional one. I just said "What's up, slut?" to our receptionist. Frigid bitch.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

I have so much more fun on Twitter than Facebook, because love from strangers is always more exciting.