Mark Twain Jokes

"It is scary how much false attribution of quotes occurs on Twitter." - Mark Twain

Dyslexia didn't stop Mark Twain being a great writer He didn't even suffer from it.

Mark Twain used to travel with a podium from his hometown. Ah yes, his Hannibal Lectern.

Mouse Holes A husband and wife are having a mouse problem in their home and one day the husband comes home and he sees his wife has a stack of books in her arms and she placing a copy of Dostoyevsky in front of one of the mouse holes. Then he sees other holes have books by Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, and Toni Morrison covering them. He says to her, ""Honey, why are you putting books in front of all the mouse holes?"" She says, ""Well, I thought well-written books might keep the mice from getti…

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world, I know because I've done it thousands of times. - shout out to good ol' Mark twain.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wif…

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The s…

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky. They're always 20 years behind everything. Mark Twain

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author's Club, said: Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away the evening?' The general storekeeper, wh…

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says... "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well…

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds!" - Mark Twain 4006. What's a tuba for? 1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full cut). Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet!