Twitter Jokes

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph. Make sense? Welcome to Twitter.

someone asked : are you coming? me: No, but I'm breathing fast... them: me: them: me: I guess I'll save that one for Twitter

Isn't setting your Twitter feed to 'private' kinda like putting a velvet rope in front of an Arby's?

Hey people - learn to spell!!! I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

"Are you on Facebook?" "No, but I'm on.. (don't say twitter, don't say twitter) ..Mescaline" (Nailed it)

It's my ninth anniversary on Twitter. I could not have done it without my ex-wife and my kids whose names I no longer remember.

Me: "I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself." Twitter: lol, you said "came".

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people [creates Twitter]

When I see someone has 1,500 followers on twitter, I think "that person must b funny". 1,500 friends on FB "that person is batshit crazy"

"I put on pants for nothing" - my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled. Someone set up her Twitter account.

I love it when corporations have a sassy "human" Twitter presence, like their CEO wouldn't cut your mom's throat for a nickel.

Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger

Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read.

Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

The unemployment rate rose to 9.8% and Twitter is expected to see about a 10% hike to hit 200 million users by New Year's. Coincidence? No.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.

I thought I typed "twitter" in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail....

Wouldn't it be weird if you met someone from twitter in real life and all they did is say random one-liners every few minutes?

Twitter, because my work isn't just going to ignore itself.

I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself

Hard to believe that Twitter is six years old. Seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family.

wwow i dropped my phone with my twitter open and people crowded around reading it and applauding and women threw roses and kissed my feet

My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.

Egypt. Palin. Walmart. Facebook. KE$HA. Bieber. Typos. Snow. Zombies. Superpowers. FFs. Your mom. Boom, I just won Twitter.