Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.

i told this girl at the bar that im kinda popular on twitter and she sighed for 17 minutes straight the bartender timed it

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Jokes about being drunk on Twitter are redundant. Maintaining a Twitter account automatically implies that you're drinking on some level.