Twitter Jokes

Is it wrong to follow people just because they're hot? Also, what about on Twitter?

"I really wish you'd post more 4sq checkins & tumblr links" -no one on Twitter ever

I don't believe that twitter is the place for arguments. We all have family for that..

Twitter is the only place where it's actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it's teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it's been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

twitter might remove the 140 character limit so i'm putting some 800 word tweets with character development & plot twists in my drafts

*closes twitter* *opens up instagram* *scrolls* *scrolls* *closes instagram* *opens up twitter*

A friend told me there's a place like twitter called "outside" where people favorite each other by making eye contact and smiling. Unfollow.

Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.

Passwords: Outlook- work1234 Aol- kidsnames home alarm- anniversary Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Twitter is the ideal medium for people who think of something clever to say five minutes after the opportunity has passed.

Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive.

Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been four days since my last tweet. Because, you know... weed and Sudoku.

You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

The fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

"Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I'm gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone."

Happy to report that I just made People magazine's list of top 100 million people on Twitter.

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she's really enjoying Google Plus.

Ppl really messing with football players on twitter like they're not one concussion away from waiting for u in ur darkened house

Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

You're Twitter famous. Cool, cool. I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.