"Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.

[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist