If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom

If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"

Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die