I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."