My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

"Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?" "A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."