Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.