RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT

"Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"

Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid "Giant Douchebag?"