Coworker: What's so funny M: Twitter Cw: Oh! I'm on there, what's your @ M: I meant twizzlers.. Cw: You're looking at your phone. M:...

I saw your ""a woman walks into a store joke"" and this is mine A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, ""This parrot costs $500"". ""$500? Why is it so expensive?"" ""This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"" ""really? wow! and how much for the second one?"" ""$2000!"" ""$2000?"" ""Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type te…

Are you funny and/or creative? Paid alpha program. (x-post from /r/standup) **UPDATE: Just got off the phone with my boss and he's getting inundated with replies, so he's asked me to tell y'all that the application window is now closed. Thank you all for your interest!** Hey all, my boss is putting together an experimental program where they pay funny people to sort of be ""on retainer"" for quick-hitting on-topic humorous tweets. It's a paid deal, so please read on if you're interested. Hopeful…

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.