Lawyer Jokes

Court Case A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like th…

Goldilocks and the Three Bears (American Football Fans Will Understand) Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce after the fiasco with Goldilocks, but they must decide custody of baby bear. The judge takes baby bear aside, and asks politely, ""Would you like to live with Papa Bear?"" ""No,"" Baby Bear answers, ""Papa Bear beats me!"" ""Oh no."" the judge replies. ""Then you can live with Mama Bear."" ""No!"" Baby Bear exclaims. ""She beats me too!"" ""Oh dear."" Says the judge. ""Well then,…

So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says ""You're on my propriety get off!"" The lawyer replies ""Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and sue you for all you got!"" To which the farmer say calmly ""Now, now you city-slicker, in Michigan we have a solution to settle these small disputes."…

Stop saying: ""That's what she said"" and say ""... said the priest to his lawyer"" instead

Why was the divorce lawyer pro-gay marriage? Because any marriage is good for business!

An engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. ""Come in, come in."" says Peter, ""We can always use another engineer."" But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at Hell to see if he would like to go there instead. St. Peter says ""Sure, why not?"" and sends him down for a look. The engineer sees the fiery pits and the swamps and the heat …

A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant. He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos. One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million d…

God and the devil were arguing... ... about the fence that separates heaven and hell. ""Your side is falling down,"" said God. ""just look at it!"" ""So what?"" the devil said. ""We're both responsible for keeping up our sides. Mine's perfect."" God replied. The devil shrugged. ""What are you going to do about it?"" ""If you force me to, i'll get a lawyer and sue you,"" said God. ""The devil laughed for ten minutes straight. ""Give me a break. Where are you gonna find a lawyer?""

Lawyer and Witness A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: ""Did you actually see the accident?"" The witness: ""Yes, sir."" The lawyer: ""How far away were you when the accident happened?"" The witness: ""Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."" The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): ""Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"" The witness: ""Because when…

So there are three prisoners who have all been sentenced to twenty years behind bars. They are all allowed to have a few items in their cell. The first prisoner asks for a pile of law books, the second for his wife, and the third for three thousand cigarettes. When they are released the first prisoner walks out happy and says, ""Thank god for those books. I can now finally fulfill my dream of being a lawyer. The second walks out and says, ""Thank god for my wife. I now have four children and I a…

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."" This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- …

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced... and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. ""So, is it Mama or Papa?"" the Judge asks. ""Mama and Papa beat me,"" says Baby Bear. ""Well do you have any other relatives?"" asked the Judge. ""I have an uncle in Chicago,"" replies Baby Bear. ""Does he beat you too?"" asks the Judge. ""Naww,"" says Baby Bear. ""The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.""

A mechanic just recently died ... and not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. Well, while in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell. While wandering, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at, fixing things. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being constantly maintained and improved by the mechanic. Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic as Hell is suppo…

Teacher persuasion, failed. The children had all been photographed for their high school picture, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ""Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,"" There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or ""That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ""And there's the teacher. She's dead.""

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates. A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments. ""Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."" ""This is unfair!"" cried the minister. ""Listen,"" Saint Peter said, ""ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen.""

There were three friends... There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress. The lawyer says, ""It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."" The doctor remarks: ""It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."" The …

Just another lawyer joke Lawyer: ""Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"" Witness: ""By death."" Lawyer: ""And by whose death was it terminated?""

A doctor and his wife were having lunch... ...and a beautiful young woman walks by and winks at the doctor suggestively. She cooes, ""How's it goin', doc?"" and walks away, hips swaying. The wife, confused, asks, ""Who was that, dear?"" The doctor took a sip of his wine and said casually, ""That's my mistress Arielle."" The wife was shocked and in tears. ""I can't believe you're cheating on me! I'm going to divorce you and take everything you have, you lying bastard!"" The husband calmly puts hi…

Jogger finds a tennis ball So Joe is out jogging alongside a tennis court. Unspurprisingly, he spots a tennis ball which has gone over the net. It's getting late and nobody's left playing, he figures they just left the ball there. So Joe picks up the ball and puts it in his shorts pocket, to play with his dog later. He runs off, and stops by his regular watering hole to rehydrate. One of his friends spots the bulge in his shorts and asks: ""What have you got there Joe?"" ""That? That's a tennis …

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?

A lawyer is about to enter a party.............. A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes…

A lawyer is walking out of church..... A lawyer is walking out of church with his hands in his pockets when he sees the priest walking toward him. The priest says, ""you know, this is the first time I've seen a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.""

Three guys are about to be executed. One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer. They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, ""Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go."" Intimidated by this, the executioner …

A man is in court, asking to legally change his name... The judge asks him why he desires the name change. ""My name is Dungly Santorum"" he says ""Oh....well, that's understandable. What would you like to change it to?"" ""Dungly Hitler"".

Wife letter to husband I am writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, I was kind to you and respected you for 7 years of our marriage, most of the time you did not appreciate me. The last two weeks were like hell. A week ago, you came home and didn't even pay attention to me, I trimmed my nails, hair, manicure and styled my hair. You didn't even notice that I made your favorite dish and for you I had a beautiful linger…