Lawyer Jokes

If you see me in court you'd think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I'm usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

NEW BASKETBALL IDEA: oblong basketball that gets thrown down a long field-like court. Maybe we tackle the guy who catches it?

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

People judge public housing, but it's cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I'm not sure I see the problem...

Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!

When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.

Judge: You need supervision. Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

My sister told me to "take the spider out" instead of "kill" it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Since they won't vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer you're going to jail.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

I judge every book by its cover: "Too smart for me" is what I say and then look at Twitter on my phone.

[traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute 4/5 of my tickets

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court. I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

*Geography Bee* Judge: "Tell me about Yemen." Me: "Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn't breakup with Janice on Friends."

And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court

House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.

[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

BREAKING: Judge strikes down Kentucky ban on gay marriage, but ruling on hold while state appeals for right to keep treating gays like shit.

*in court* Your honor,this case must be thrown out "On what grounds?" *points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover* *Judges head explodes*

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone* JUDGE: he's got a point

"You think only God can judge you?" *Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you* "Well THINK AGAIN!" *bangs gavel so hard it breaks*