Lawyer Jokes

Judge: and how does the defendant plead Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn't do any crimes* Judge: HAH do it again

I know Aladdin can't wish for more wishes, but why can't he just wish for more genies?--My 5 year old and future lawyer, probably.

Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?

[Courtroom] Judge: Have you been up before me? Convict: I don't know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

I am a man with convictions. Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

The only problem with shopping online is that you can't sit on a bench in the mall and judge everyone else who walks by.

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

"Your word is 'oujia'" -could you use that in a seance? [spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won

It's so humid today I keep expecting a southern lawyer to do his closing argument.

[courtroom] Me: "I OBJECT YOUR HONOR" Judge: on what grounds? "LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO" Prosecutor: he's good Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

I'll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare.. Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

"I rapidly kidnapped a happily napping kid" is not only a fun tongue twister, but also a Felony! ...or so my lawyer tells me.

I use the word "thingy" when I cant think of the word: Me- Are you picking up the "thingy's?" Wife- ...you mean your kids? Me- Dont judge me

My niece just said "Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!" Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

[Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

*judge bangs gavel* Ok let's reconvene after a quick 20 min recess *immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me.

Judge:"Since we can't prove who's baby it is we will ... cut the baby in half Worm Mom 1:"Sure Worm Mom 2 :"Ya do it.

*juror stands up to read verdict* "we find the defendant v handsome and think that he looks great in the grey muscle vest he wore on Monday"

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you're going to jail Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm just going to go ahead & judge you.

I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!