Lawyer Jokes

*interview* So, why do you want to be a judge? *Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* "To fight crime"

Judge "Why are you divorcing her?" Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*

*gets summoned to the spider court* YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS HOW DO YOU PLEAD? *places glass over spider judge*

"Only God can judge me" People who've never been to Whole Foods.

Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it?

Don't judge. Maybe I'm conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don't know.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Alien vs Predator upheld by Supreme Court. "this movie rules" said Justice Scalia writing for the court.

If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?

(Selling my soul) Just sign here and here "I should have a lawyer read this" *a million lawyers crawl through hell* We have plenty of those

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall* SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?! Judge- no, CREDIBLE! Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that's only like 11 days

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

me: How many calls do I get? cop: one me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

Objection your honor! He's badgering the witness lmao *Courtroom erupts in laughter* Badger: Ok seriously I'm a lawyer and deserve respect

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? "No!" Oh really. And what's your first name? "Indiana" [jury gasps]

I judge a book by it's cover when the cover is a picture worth 1000 words.

[spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea

Let us not judge a man based on the color of his skin, but by which character he picks in Super Smash Bros.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Ate a hot dog at the food court today and four gay men gave me a standing ovation.

Judge: jury, how do you find the defendant? Me: [whispering] dude, he's like...right there. Judge: there's no talking Me: [pointing]

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which is too bad. Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.