Lawyer Jokes

Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

I finished off a pizza today like it was planning to testify against me in court.

[Courtroom] Judge: One more word & I'll hold you in contempt! Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

[on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

lawyer: "my client claims the altercation began because - and i quote - "he came at me sideways" crab: "in my defence.."

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

LAWYER: ur dad's estate ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing M: shit

I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.

People only hate jury duty because they have to go to a courthouse. Let em stay home and they'll tweet who's guilty all day.

Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.

My son just chewed gum during his entire bath. I eagerly await a cease-and-desist order from Burt Reynolds's attorney.

[spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Great, I clicked on "Start Your Free Trial" and now I'm convicted of murder.

Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants. Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??

(Court) Judge: You're on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead? Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath? Goldfish defendant: Yes.

"So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*

Judge: You're out of order! Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order! *I burst in* Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I'm staying.

Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.

Its like they say, don't judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor

Yes, 911?... Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him...or her?

Has the Supreme Court decided on Man v. Food yet?

[at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you