Lawyer Jokes

judge: 99 yrs me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer? judge: no that actually helped me: killing then judge: yeah the killing

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I'm outta here! Judge: Litigator! Lawyer: After a while crocodile.

[1st day as judge] Murderer: [waves at me] Me [waves back]: He seems nice Lawyer: He killed six people Me: He probably didn't mean it

[parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."

Lawyer: The defense rests Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal? Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like "you're a butthole" Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle

I'm human, but I never got to go to space. Dogs and monkeys *aren't human, but they did. That's the gist of my lawsuit against NASA.

Next week on Teen Court Lawyer: objection ur honor! Judge: objection totes denied Lawyer: smdh

Whenever people say "don't judge me" I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear. *whispers* Judged you.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

[Americas Got Talent] ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended* JUDGE (under his breath): how'd he do that

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

do I wanna smoke? sure I'll smoke. I'll smoke u fools on the court when ur lung capacity is severely compromised. stay in school, be active

Don't judge if you don't know me. Unless you're making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do.

Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor

ur honor, i call GOD as my witness *jury gasps* *nothimg happens* *slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands* damit no Gary sit down

[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.

Me: Phone a friend Judge: That's not how this works

*wears an "Only God Can Judge Me" t-shirt to court*

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity? ME: let me double-check with my counsel *moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods* ME: thats correct ur honor

I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats. *my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear* Cats are also cute.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."

*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!

In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me