Lawyer Jokes

LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench BENCH: I have a boyfriend

[judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*

Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Unless he wears Crocs. Then, feel free to judge all you want....

[mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.

Me: We need some ham. Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday. Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

Don't judge me until you've scrolled a mile through my meme collection

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead? Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding Judge: HAHA Me: HAHA *High five? Judge: Ten years with no bail

According to daytime tv commercials..just by being alive, you may entitled to compensation from somebody and a lawyer is there to get paid

The first judge ever was like "When I'm done talking I'll pound my desk with a hammer" and we were all "Ok that's not insane"

He held up my pants and said "Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go.

[casting call] -have u acted before? *shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal -oh this guys good

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it's not appropriate for court.

[Spelling bee] Your word is Monogamous. M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S *2 Judges stare at each other* 1st judge *nods* 2nd judge: "We'll allow it"

Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t- PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE! Crook:Ok *crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil* Lawyer: it's too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

Judge: The defendant is claiming you're a nazi. Is this true? Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour *courtroom gasps*

[Dog Court] Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy. *dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences [60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated] COP: This baby camel is under arrest