Lawyer Jokes

[SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Tim, your word is "Oak" TIM: [deep breath] Ok *BUZZER* T: What th J: So close! It's O-'A'-K T: But... J: Hard luck, kid

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

high school was the free trial version of college. "if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000"

*Judge raises hammer* "I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE" -*defendant chuckles* "I'm already alive you MORON!"

[courtroom] Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID Shark: I'm telling you idk *whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

Costco is a great place to go if you want to shop for 15 minutes and then stand in line and judge people for an hour.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch! J: Not Guilty!

"I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don't want a blue collar job." - Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I'm ready now.

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.

Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

[courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]

Don't judge Charlie Sheen until you've snorted a mile in his coke.

If you don't know me, don't judge me. Unless you're making me a pizza and you say "This woman looks like she wants extra cheese." That's ok

Guys, please don't judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.

Jury duty [Burps] Wow, excuse me. Judge: You're excu-STOP THAT!

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess ME: i sell human organs on the black market JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Americans: Muslims are so violent Me: ok but police co- Americans: shut up. Don't judge a group of people based off a select few.

[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!

judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"

[court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Hopefully "researching tweets" will hold up in a court of law when the prosecution presents my google search history as evidence.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter ME: But Inky is my pet OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT'S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him* INKY NOOOOo