Lawyer Jokes

I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths "not guilty"] Me: hot milky L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.

At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

My attorney likes to earn from my mistakes.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix.

Don't judge me because I like 80's music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

iSpy, with my little ""i"" a lawsuit from Apple for trademark infringement.

An old couple go shopping... ... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims ""that's ridiculous!"" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse. After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime…

Lone Survivor The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says ""You can't judge me for this, I had to survive."" The rescue leader says ""But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!""

A (long) joke I actually made up all by myself so at least give me points for it not being a repost (though I will let you be the judge of whether it's actually funny) Benny Jefferson was born in 1894, and gets to his 118th birthday. There are only four known humans who have got to this age, and there is a buzz in the scientific community, who wants to use Benny's wisdom to try to extend human life. Several scientists go to Benny's house and find an old, but energetic man watering the lawn. ""Ar…

Little boy in custody battle. Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,""Do you want to go live with your mother?"". Little boy replied,""No she beats me."" The judge says ""Oh,do you want to live with your dad?"". Once again the little boy replied "" No, he beats me."" so the judge asks,""Well who do you want to live with?"". Little boy looks at the judge and says, ""The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody.""

A man and his lawyer walk into a bank... The man dumps out over $300,000 on the table to be deposited in a new account. Stunned, the banker asks, ""how did you get all this money?"". ""well, I like to make bets"" says the man. For example, I'll bet you $10,000 I can lick my own eyeball. Thinking that it is impossible, the banker accepts the bet and as he does, the man pops out his glass eye and gives it a lick. _ The banker is slightly upset but pays the man. Next the man bets the banker $10,000…

2 kids arguing. 2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,""My dads a doctor."" Second kis say,""Yeah well my dad's lawyer."" Astonished the first kid says,"" Honest?"" The second kid replied ""No, the usual kind.""

The danger of eating Chili I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coff…

The miser's will A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him. After the funeral, the three were talking, and the doctor said ""I have a confession to make. I didn't actually put all the money in the coffin -- it seemed like such a waste. I kept out $200,000 to buy some new equipment…

Nativity scene in the Capitol The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

A man sets off for adventure in Egypt to search for an an ancient tomb. After many long weeks of endless searching in the desert, the man finally found the ancient Pharaoh's tomb he had for so long been seeking. He descended. Down, down through the chambers he went, marching tirelessly in exciting anticipation of his groundbreaking archaeological discovery. There was nothing that could deter him now! Well, maybe one thing: He remembered hearing a story while in town about the ghost that supposed…

C, Eb, and G walk into a ""bar"" The bartender says, ""Sorry, but we don't serve minors"" So E-Flat leaves and C and G have an open 5th between them. After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,*Excuse me, I'll just be a second"" An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this realtive of C is not a minor. Then the bartend…

The Five-Kick Method (long) A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot down the fat bastard. His dog quickly sped off in the direction od the fallen bird. Turns out the duck had fallen just a few feet within the fences of a private property. W…

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me on…

The Bravest Football Fan Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one request. When brought before the torturer, the Arsenal fan requests to have 3 pillows strapped to his back. After 15 hits, the pillows are completely gone, leaving the man with 3…

Found in my Physics text book. A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However, as he gets more and more greedy, he steals more and more. Eventually, he is caught. The company is furious. Once he has been tried and found guilty, the company asks fo…