Lawyer Jokes

So a young Italian Mafioso is picked up by the cops... So a young Italian Mafioso is picked up by the cops for questioning, and he's taken to the police station where he states that he's not going to say another word until his lawyer arrives. The lawyer arrives, and asks the young mafioso ""did you tell them anything?"" The young mafioso replies - ""of course not, I been in handcuffs the whole time!""

There was a man who droves train in Bulgaria There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the exec…

(Long)A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.... The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the b…

Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong... I don't judge... Whatever floats your goat.

There is a plane with a Pilot, a Lawyer, a Priest and a Kid The plane is going down fast but there are only three parachutes. so the pilot says ""I have a family and a daughter that are expecting me"" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says ""well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live"" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. Now there is only one parachute left and the Priest tells the kid ""Kid, take the last one, I have lived my life"" The boy looks around the plan…

A doctor and a lawyer collide in traffic During the afternoon commute, a doctor and a lawyer collide, and go hurtling off the road into the ditch. Both emerge unhurt but badly shaken up. The lawyer says, ""Are you okay?"" The badly rattled doctor replies, ""Yes, I think so. I'm a doctor & I can tell nothing's broken."" The lawyer pulls out a hip flask and offers it to the doctor. ""You look like death warmed over; have a swig of this to steady your nerves."" ""Thanks,"" says the doctor, who …

A lawyer is excited to drive the car he just purchased... A lawyer is excited to drive the car he just purchased. As he opens the door and gets in, a junior driver hits it and breaks the left door. He gets furious thinking the car will never be the same after the accident. He notices a cop car nearby. ""Officer, this idiot ruined my brand new car"" he complains. ""You are a lawyer, right?"" asks the officer. Lawyer replies angrily, ""Yes. What does that have to do with the accident?"" Officer la…

Two duck hunters You know about the two duck hunters who were found dead in Texas? The lawyer for the defence says the accused acted in self defence and that the community says duck lives matter too.

Divorced Virgin *^A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.** On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""*Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.*"" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married five times?"" ""*Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be*. *Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of…

There was a man in Algeria who drove a train for a living.... There was a man in Algeria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the…

A Mafia leader gets cheated out of $10 million by his bookeeper, Paul. Paul had been deaf all of his life, so it was assumed he would be perfect for the job. A deaf guy couldn't hear anything that he would have to testify in court, after all. When the leader found out, he went to confront Paul with an interpreter, one who knows ASL. ""Ask him where the $10 million he stole from me is,"" he demanded. The interpreter signs this to Paul, to which he signs back ""I don't know what you're talking abo…

so a law school student walks into a bar- -exam and walks out a lawyer! good job I'm so proud of him.

A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, ""Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."" The art collector replied, ""I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."" The lawyer said, ""Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."" Paul replied enthusiastically, ""Well …

Black kids play NBA 2K... and then go to the basketball court to be like their favorite player. White kids play Call of Duty, then go to school to get the highest kill streak possible.

My wife tried to sue me for impotence But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court

A Truck Driver Sees a Priest on the Side of the Road. A truck driver sees a priest on the side of the road hitchhiking. Being a very religious man he decides the right thing to do is is to stop and give the priest a ride. So, he pulls over and asks the priest if he would like a ride. The priest responds thank you Son I would love a ride and hops in. As they drive along they get to talking. The truck driver has been having a hard time and decided that now would be a good time to let some stress o…

Lawyer fails When Harriet had been declared missing, Jeffrey Pritchett knew things had gotten far out of hand. ""Did she find out about him and Angela? Where was she? What had she done?"" thought Jeff, when the police arrived. Unable to provide any satisfactory replies to them, he became the primary suspect and spent the night in jail. The next morning, in court, matters were made worse when witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused made…

A woman is taken to court... The judge asks, ""What were you charged for?"" The women replied, ""Doing my Christmas shopping too early."" When the judge asked her how early, she said, ""Before the store opened.""

[long]This is a joke from my country Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the countryside and show her around. So Andree and princess got into a carriage and set off to the countryside. The princess being very naive, was asking Anderee about ev…

*The Glasgow Brothel* The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties. ""May I help you sir?"" she asked. ""I want to see Valerie,"" the man replied. ""Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else"", said the madam. ""No, I must see Valerie,"" he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged 5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five th…

Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife? The jury store

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection The judge says, ""First offender?"" The woman replies, ""No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.""

An old Lady walks into a bank An old Lady walks into a high end bank. She is carrying a suit case and walks to the front desk and asks for the bank manager. After waiting for a while the bank manager arrives and tells her to meet him in his office. In the office she tells the bank manager she wants to start a bank account and tells him in the suitcase she has $170,000. Curious the bank manager asks how an old Lady earned such a huge amount of money. She tells him ""I earned this money by making …

A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars. The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked ""First Offender?"" The accused replied ""No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender"".

The Frog and the Preist One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! ""Dear frog,"" the priest asked, ""what is the matter? Why are you so sad?"" ""Well,"" said the frog, ""I was not always a frog."" ""Tell me more"" said the priest. ""One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch!' I said to her. But alas, she called me a n…