Lawyer Jokes

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community. I ride the train w/the cross-section & it's mostly people peeing on the floor.

[to other patients in psychiatrist's waiting room] I'm not like you people. This is court mandated.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

College parties are great: You're taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

[Lawyer] "I can't stress this enough. You cannot plead that you're a wizard ok?" "ok" [Later in court] "I plead that im a wizard your honor"

If I was Penguin's attorney I'd request bail by saying "He's no flight risk!" Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman. I'd leave him hangin

ME: [bumps man] MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry ME: No MAN: Then I'll see you in court ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won't

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Dear investors, I'd like to make a chap stick called "food court Chinese food." Please snapchat if interested.

Coming soon to NBC: She's a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn't play by the rules. And he's a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal? "I'll have a panda please" [judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Me, as a judge: OK we'll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*

*judge bangs gavel on desk* *judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning* *judge tell gavel he loves her* *judge marries gavel*

Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."

[at Waldo's trial] Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant? Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You're a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!

[at a spelling bee] Judge: Your word is SPELL. Witch: *mumbles something under her breath* Judge: Ribbit

*speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.

Judge: Guilty Me: Sayyoudidwhat. Judge: What did you say? Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence? *Stage dives into cheering jury*

I only have a beard so I can scratch it while I judge.

It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

Do not judge a book by its cover, unless there's a Swastika on the cover

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas? Me: drugs. Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial