Lawyer Jokes

You bastard A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, ""You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."" ""You bastard!"" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. ""You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,"" says the judge. ""Bastard!"" the same person yells. The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.""Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."" ""I'm sorry, Your Honor,"" says the man. ""But I'…

A doctor, a lawyer and a biker are in a bar Doctor say"" tommorow is my anniversary, I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes, so if she doesn't like the ring, I know she'll like the Mercedes. Then shell know I love her"". Lawyer says ""yea for my last anniversary I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. So if she didnt like the pearls, shed at least like the trip, and know that I loved her."" The biker says "" well for my last anniversary, I bought my old lady a t-sh…

A Jew, A Christian, A Lawyer, A Doctor, A Blonde, and a Biker walk into a bar........ the bartender goes ""what is this some kind of joke or something?!""

A blonde goes to a ventriloquist act. All was well until halfway through, the ventriloquist makes a blonde joke. The blonde stands up. ""That is very offensive, to judge people on how they look! You owe me, and every blonde in the room an apology!"" The ventriloquist apologizes profusely. ""I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."" He says. ""Shut up, you! I was talking to the little bastard on your knee!""

Divorce Joke my Family Law Professor Told Elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively. And they are getting a divorce. Judge asks them why they are getting one now... ""we were waiting for the kids to die""

From an old National Lampoon record A guy walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The comedian comes out for his first act of the evening and says, a guy walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The comedian comes out for his second act of the evening and says, a guy walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. Just then, a guy in the audience says, I think I've heard this before. The comedian says, maybe you caught my first act. The man says, not lik…

A man is accused.. ..of raping a ginger woman. The Judge says 'what you did was disgusting and horrible'. The man replies 'in my defence, it was dark and she was wearing a hat!'.

Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: ""Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"" Satan snickered back, ""Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning,…

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ""Lawyer,"" and the party of the second part, also known as ""Light Bulb,"" do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previo…

A forester and a Lawyer die... So a Forester and a Lawyer die and go to heaven. They're greeted at the gates by their guide. He motions for them to follow and leads them down a beautiful, gold washed path. At the end of the path they reach a solid gold mansion, glittering in the sun. The Guide turns to the Lawyer and says,""This is where you will spend eternity. We hope it's to your liking."" The Lawyer thanks him profusely and enters the mansion. The guide motions to the Forester and they move …

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship And the news presenter says ""she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"". I just happened to glance at my girlfriend, and now it's all kicked off!

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road and a dead lawyer on the side of the road? There are skidmarks before the dog.

If a person helps a thief before he steals something this person is called an accomplice and he will pay for this if a person helps a thief after he steals something this person is called a lawyer and he will be paid for this

Two very old people visit an attorney to sue for divorce The attorney asks them for their reasons. The man says ""I hate her. I've always hated her. We've been married for over 50 years and I've hated her pretty much from the beginning."" The attorney asks the woman to respond. ""I hate him too,"" she says. ""He is repulsive, ignorant, cruel, and can't even remember that we've been married for over 60 years. I've always hated him, more and more each year since we were wed."" ""I'm confused,"" th…

A Little Old Lady.... .....walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, ""Three million dollars."" The accounts person is startled, and says, ""In what form?"" and the little old lady says, ""Cash. I've got it right here in this b…

A funeral stone: This is where rests in peace an attorney, a good and honorable man A guy passing buy is shocked: "" Wow! I never knew they can bury 3 people in the same grave.""

I gave a lawyer some Viagra. All it did was make him taller for a little while.

A blind man walks into a bar... ...and finds a vacant seat and proceeds to order a beer. As he sips his first drink of his nice cold beer she says to the bartender, ""Do you want to hear a joke, it is a really funny blond joke I just heard?"" The bartender looks at the blind man and replies, ""Sir, since you are blind I will kindly do you the service of letting you know that I myself am blond, the woman next to you is blond and is a triathlon athlete, and the three women sitting right behind you…

Mickey Mouse goes to divorce court to divorce Minnie... The Judge says ""so you want to Divorce your wife because she's crazy?"" Mickey replies ""No, what I said was She's F&#@ing Goofy.""

Grandpa vs The IRS. The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahe…

Little old lady(long) A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, ""Three million dollars."" The accounts person is startled, and says, ""In what form?"" and the little old lady says, ""Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."" and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green …

My friend just passed the bar exam. I need lawyer jokes. GO! What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? . . . Stick his bill up his ass.

Ralph The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, ""Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."" ""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,"" says Ralph. ""How about a demonstration?"" The audit…

A Blonde And A Lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."" Again, she declines and tr…

A man's wife and his lawyer are drowning, and he must make a choice; so, he chooses to go to the movies. The end. just heard this on *Mad Men* btw