Lawyer Jokes

THE POPE AND A ATTORNEY ARE AT THE ELEVATOR The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them. When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, ""Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer.""

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said ""Final Notice""... Good that he will not bother me anymore.

Fredrick the train conductor Frederick, a train conductor, was driving his train when he thought browsing Reddit at the controls was a good idea. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Frederick was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair. When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with ""A banana, if you will."" The prison guard shrugge…

Stole this from a friend on FB One day in a Contract Law class, the Professor asked one of his better students, ""Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"" The student replied, ""Here's an orange."" The professor was livid. ""No! No! Think like a lawyer!"" The student then recited, ""Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its …

"" He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... , "" Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him. St. Peter replies, ""I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."" He leaves. The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to…

A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a plane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he'll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, ""What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"" Without saying a…

Grover the Grocer and the Shoplifter Grover the grocer ran a comfortable business, with one recurring malady--a persistent shoplifter named Gwen. Grover knew she was robbing him blind, but couldn't seem to catch her in the act. This continued for quite a number of years until, as fortune would have it, one day he caught her redhanded stealing a bag of fresh peaches. Grover gleefully awaited his day in court when at long last he would witness Gwen receive her comeuppance. Sitting across from Gwen…

A farmer named Paddy had a . . . A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident that you were fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did…

So an engineer ends up in Hell... So an engineer dies and goes to Hell despite the fact he's supposed to be in Heaven. Being an engineer and all, he notices Hell is in a state of disrepair and fixes everything. God looks down and notices that Hell is in a relatively decent state. He notices the Engineer, who simply shrugs, and yells at the Devil ""He's supposed to be up here with me! I'm going to sue you!"" The Devil looks up and says ""Yeah well where are you gonna find a lawyer?""

Some people say I have my mom's eyes... but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law.

2016 has been a bad year: my attorney sued me for assault, my health-club canceled my membership for non-payment. On the plus side, my social media presence increased! So 2016: Hit attorney, deleted gym...but Facebook up!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the US Capital this Christmas The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Once there was a Cowboy and a Lawyer. The Lawyer went deer hunting on a friend's farm. A huge buck comes along and the Lawyer raises his gun, fires and the deer runs off injured. There Lawyer gets down from his tree stand and tracks the deer to a neighboring property lying across the fence line. As the Lawyer starts to climb the fence to claim his buck, a Cowboy comes strolling up on horseback. ""Whoaaa there, where do you think you're going?"" Said the Cowboy. ""Well,"" said the Lawyer ""You se…

The blonde and the lawyer. A blonde is sat on a plane waiting for everyone to sit down and to get airborne. A guy in an expensive looking suit sits along side her and introduces himself. Disinterested, she says hi and turns towards the window. He asks if she'd like to play a game. She says no. Just after take off he tries again. Explaining this time that the game is question and answer. He asks a question and if she knows the answer he pays her $5. If not... she pays him. She snaps back at him t…

Death by fruit. Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, ""I brought ten apples."" The king then explained the trial to him. ""You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on yo…

A lawyer and a boulder are dropped from a cliff at the same time. Which hits the ground first? Who cares?

A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case... ... So he asked his secretary: ""If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"" Secretary: ""Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything.""

[Long] A couple go to a bar during karaoke night... and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance. ""Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?"" they ask him. ""I would love to! As a matter of fact, I'm a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!"" he replied. So it was settled, and the…

A truck driver would keep himself entertained by running over lawyers. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud ""thud"", and then he would swerve back on the road. As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, ""Where are you going, Father?"" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. ""I'll give you a lift."" The priest climbed into the passenger seat and …

Two guys are driving along a country road when their car breaks down They get out and start walking. Shortly thereafter, they come across a nice house. When they knock on the door, a beautiful young woman answers. They explain their situation and ask if she has a place for them to stay. She explains that she was recently widowed, and that she has friends coming over in the morning and she doesn't want them to see a couple of guys leaving her house so soon after her husband's death. The guys offe…

A scientist travels back in time to ancient Babylonia to see the beauty of the Hanging gardens... ...after trying to impress the King by demonstrating magnetism between his crown and a magnet, he finds himself in big trouble. In court, the people are mixed about what his punishment should be. Some see him as a valuable ally while others see him as a dangerous threat. The kind and generous King however decides to give him one chance to favour the people and gain his freedom. He tells the scientis…

Couple wants to get married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and …

Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ... The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment. The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's. The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush stroke but realizes, to his horror, that he completely forgot what Hungary's flag looks like. He tries desperately to remember, but …