Lawyer Jokes

A man is charged and sent to court, but nobody will tell him what he's been charged for. He sits down and the judge starts with the legal proceedings. After he is finished, the man asks ""What are you charging me for?!"" The judge gives him an odd look and continues with the court case. Once again the man exclaims ""But judge, what am I being charged for?!"" The judge gives a slight, confused shake of the head and carries on talking. ""I am sentencing you to 3 months in prison!"" Agitated now, t…

A man is put on trial for committing mass genocide against the people of Scotland. It looked like he would be in prison for life... ...but he got off Scot-free.

A dolphin was on trial for killing a family member... The judge asked, ""Did you do it on porpoise?""

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

The attorney tells the accused, ""I have some good news and some bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" asks the accused. ""The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."" ""What's the good news?"" ""Your cholesterol is 130.""

How to solve issues with life expectancy The doctor has given me four months to live. I shot the doctor, The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved

""I'm just fine"" A farmer is walking down a country road with his horse and dog on his way home from the fields. A truck hits them, the farmer is injured while the horse and dog are killed in the accident. Later, the farmer takes the driver to court to sue for damages, while giving his statement the truck driver's lawyer asks him, ""Didn't you tell my client that you weren't injured? Didn't you tell him 'I'm just fine'?"" The farmer says, ""Well, what happened was..."". The lawyer interrupts hi…

I think you're a jerk! A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I…

King Solomon's Judgement Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. ""My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!"" one of them yelled. ""There is a simple solution,"" said the King. ""I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."" ""Fine by me!"" said the first woman. ""No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!"" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. ""Fine."" …

Before you judge somebody, you should walk a mile in their shoes.. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Only three things are infinite The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.

Three frogs are arrested for indecent exposure. So three frogs are arrested and taken to court for indecent exposure. The judge orders the first frog to approach. He asks the frog's name to which the first frog responds ""My name is Frog."" ""Well frog, what do you have to say about these charges brought against you?"" ""I was in the swamp, blowing bubbles. No crime against that!"" Says Frog. ""Very well. You're free to go, Frog. Next frog please!"" The second frog approaches, the judge asks for…

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection... Judge says, First offender?' She says, No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

What do you call a corrupt lawyer? Senator.

When I graduated from university, I struggled to find work. To make ends meet, I performed odd jobs - voiceover work, sold insurance, and even drove a cab in a city near the East Coast a few years back. One of the scariest things that happened was as I was driving around, I saw a teenagers' basketball game get pretty intense. One of the kids was arguing a call made by a few thugs - it was a bad idea from the start, the kid was outnumbered and what's worse is when the fight started escalating, on…

Gangster vists a lawyer A gangster sets up a meeting with a lawyer. The gangster asks the lawyer, ""How can I get away with murder?"" The lawyer replies, ""I don't know"". The gangster asks the lawyer, ""How can I get away with armed robbery?"" The lawyer replies, ""I don't know"". The gangster asks the lawyer, ""How can I get away with drug trafficking?"" The lawyer replies, ""I don't know"". The annoyed gangster says to the lawyer, "" Well what the hell do you know? "" The lawyer looks down at…

Cop joke A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, ""I brought ten apples."" The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on yo…

Read this one online a while back An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is. The devil sees him, and says"" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."" The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was built in a third world country. The devil leaves the disappointed engineer there for a while, and leaves that part of hell. When he returns, he is astonished to find that the en…

The Election was tied.... The US Presidential election of 2016 had been over for weeks. Every single ballot had been counted and tabulated, the Electoral College had cast their votes, and after every avenue had been exhausted, it was unequivocally a dead heat. Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton turned to the Supreme Court for a decision, agreeing to abide by the ruling for the good of the Country, Mom, and Apple Pie. After due deliberation, Justice Ginsburg, the Notorious RBG, spoke for the C…

9 months John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't wo…

An indian engineer can't find a job... An indian engineer moves to the U.S and can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100 A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic... Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste"" Indian: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"" Lawyer: ""Ugh..this is kerosene"" Indian: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $2…

So I live in a small town The town is really small. There some rich people, but not a lot. One of them, however, is my neighbor. He is a doctor, but also owns a tiny motel with his wife called the Spanish Inn. A couple of years later, the motel mysteriously burns down. The couple tries to file for insurance, but the inspectors suspect arson. The couple gets taken to court for attempted insurance fraud. The case lasts for months, when the judge and the prosecutors get tired of it. They start to b…

Three amateur shoemakers enter their finest pair of footwear into a competition and are about to be graded on their handiwork ... The judge goes to the black girl and says ""These are the finest pair of shoes I have ever seen! *A+*!"" Then the judge walks up to chubby malaysian boy and says ""Good effort, but you could've done better. *C-*."" Finally, the judge approaches the ginger boy and moans ""Not even a pauper would wear such wretched footwear! *F*!"" ""Seriously?!"" the ginger kid snarls.…

A millionaire is on his deathbed... A millionaire is on his deathbed, about to lose his battle with cancer. In his final moments, he asks that his Priest, his doctor, and his lawyer come to see him. The three enter his room and walk up to his bed. The dying man looks at the three and says ""I have brought you all here for one final request. I wish to be buried with my wealth, so that I may have it with me in the next life. To ensure that it happens, I am entrusting each of you with $300,000 to p…