Lawyer Jokes

During WWII, An Old Man Worked At a Concentration Camp in Poland... Due to the Nazi's bombing the factory he used to work in. His job was to move straw back and forth, he would take new straw bales shipped in every morning, put the hay in wheelbarrows where prisoners would then bring the wheelbarrows to where it was needed. Every night, he had to bring the old and soiled hay used by the prisoners to a dump outside of the camp. Every day, he was searched on his way into the camp, and then again w…

2 little boys are arguing About whose dad has a better job. First says ""mines a Dr."" second says "" well mines a lawyer"" first says in disbelief "" honest? "" second says "" naw the usual kind""

Helga Adams takes her next door neighbor to court for defamation She tells the judge ""my neighbor Herman Franklin repeatedly calls me a fat pig to my guests when they come over."" ""Herman, is this true? ""Yes your honor. I detest that fat pig that lives next door to me. She is a spoiled rotten princess of a fat pig who..."" ""Alright, alright. I've heard enough from you. Mrs. Adams. I award $1,000 in punitive damages from Mr. Franklin. Furthermore, Mr. Franklin I'm issuing a court order to cea…

Why did the alcoholic never realize his dream of becoming a lawyer? He just couldn't pass the BAR.

Bar vs Church A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!! The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, ""It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn'…

A 95 year old former Nazi is being brought into court due to his involvement w/ the holocaust He admitted to working at a concentration camp, but him admitting that he worked as an oven operator probably didn't help him reduce his sentence.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. NSFW (?) On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married ten times?"" ""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Hus…

My neighbor started yelling at my parents randomly It turns out that ten years and eight months ago my parents broke his bed and never repaid him. I overheard my dad screaming and he said,""Oh we should pay you? You're lucky we aren't taking you to court! That accident happened on YOUR property!"" I didn't know what he ment, so I just shrugged and blew out my candles.

Ode to Hillary There was a crooked woman, and she wore a crooked smile She found a crooked dollar and she dodged a crooked trial She bought a crooked server, and wed a crooked spouse And they all lived together in a little crooked house

How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone? It was a run-on sentence.

A man gets audited by the IRS... and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, ""Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler."" ""I am not a terrible gambler,"" the man replies. ""I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye."" he says to the auditor. ""You can't bite your own eye,"" the auditor replies. ""I'll take your bet."" The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and…

Martha, Lily and Maggie were having tea and the conversation went to comparing their own son's achievements..... Martha : Well, my son is currently the top lawyer in the UK that was knighted by the Queen herself and whenever anyone sees him will say ""Oh there goes Sir Stewart!"" Lily : Not bad, but my son has been made the Baron of Yorkiebar and anyone who sees him will say ""Oh there goes Lord Allen!"" Maggie : Very impressive ladies but my son is 10 metres tall and 20 metres wide and anyone w…

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but only had one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the…

why didn't the alcoholic become a lawyer? because he couldn't pass the bar

Two converts set off to go join ISIS... Hasan and Hussein set off to go join ISIS. Hasan flew to Istanbul first class, but Hussein was on the no fly list and had to stow away on an empty oil tanker. But Hasan gifted Hussein a heavy backpack of food and cigarettes to make the trip more bearable. But when they got to Syria, the ISIS folks found those cigarettes in the backpack and brought them both to a high tower in Raqqa. The judge said, ""Hussein, you're pardoned. But Hasan, we throw you off th…

I told my court-appointed therapist I just needed a little piece and quiet. She said, ""Necrophilia is a crime.""

Knowing the Difference Joey married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. ""OK,"" the judge said, ""Tell the court why you want a divorce."" ""Well, your honor,"" Joey started, ""Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."" ""Surely there must be some difference between the two women."" the ju…

Jury awards $22 million to man locked in closet by East Cleveland police for four days with no food or toilet. R Kelly is going to sue the East Cleveland police for copyright infringement.

A lawyer found a leak in his house So he called a plumber right away. The plumber fixed the issue in 30 minutes and gave the lawyer a bill for $750. The lawyer was irate: he was an lawyer, and would never get $750 for a half hour of work. The plumber chuckled and replied: ""Neither did I when I was a lawyer.""

A lawyer walks into a conference room He opens his briefcase and to everyone's horror there is a revolver and smiley stickers in it. He's asked: ""why do you carry a revolver and smiley stickers with you?"" Lawyer: ""Well one is for when i get sad, the other is for when I get really sad""

That ain't my baby A Hill Billy lives deep in southern Alabama hills and wants to get a divorce. Early the next morning he goes into town in search of a lawyer. He enters an attorney's office and spots the secretary across the room and walks over to ask, ""Where can I find me a law-yer?"" The secretary replies, ""Down the street on the right."" The Hill Billy finds the lawyer and proclaims, ""I want to get a de-vorce."" ""Do you have any grounds?"" ""Why sure I do, I have 40 acres back in...."" …

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton

if the invisible man comes to the door Tell him I can't see him! this was a joke my dad made ok dont judge me judge my dad

It came to be that Jesus returned to the earthly plane to save all mankind..... To his misfortune upon his arrival, he caught a horrid case of strep throat and was framed for murder. On his day in court he reflected on being part god/part human and he wanted to get himself out of this ill fated event. No miracles. So, he decided to represent himself in front of the jury, but he could not speak due to his illness. Then the brilliant idea struck him, ""why not use sign language to plead my innocen…

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits! Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.