Lawyer Jokes

I could never marry a tennis line judge... They always point out your faults.

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees into the cup and goes to the store to check it out for himself. Sure enough, there was this robot all new and shiny. So he inserts a dollar bill, and pours his urine into a special receptacle. The robo…

The pope is riding in the back seat of a limo. The pope asks the driver ""Would you mind if I sat up in the front seat next to you?"" The driver agrees ""Yes, of course, but why wouldn't you want to sit back there?"" ""Because people always treat me too well and I would just like a little bit of change for once."" The driver stopped the car and let the pope sit next to him. A few minutes pass, and the pope asks the driver if they can swap clothing. The driver says ""sure"" and asks why. ""The cl…

An engineer went to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. ""Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."" The engineer thinks for a moment, a…

Jared Fogle's defense in court. He was just trying to get off.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is delicious dipped in batter and deep-fried. *-Hannibal Lecter*

My father was a nun... Whenever he was in court and the occupation was called for, he would say ""nun.""

So I'm about to have a unilateral orchiectomy (true story)... and I say to the urologist surgeon, ""I guess the ball's in your court now""

Two men were in a courtroom... One was charged for eating battery acid, the other was charged of sticking fireworks up his ass The court charged one, and let the other off

The Smart Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. ""I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."" Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawye…

Help refine this joke? > You hear about the court case against Santa? Broke a chimney on the way down, had to cancel Christmas. That's what we call clause and effect. Been stewing on this punchline for awhile, this was my best attempt at turning it into a joke. Would appreciate feedback/assistance in fleshing it out :P

What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by a court of black people? The NBA.

A man is sitting at a courthouse... A man is sitting at a courthouse waiting for his trial after calling the Queen a swine. They finally call him, the queen is sitting at her throne, and three officials are in front of him and the man asks: -""So I can't call the Queen a swine anymore?"" One of the officials says: -""No you can't, and you will have to pay a fine."" The man replies: -""Ok. But let me ask you something: If I want to call a swine ""queen"", is that ok ?"" -""Yes... I suppose."" Say…

Did you hear about the cat that wanted to be a justice on the Supreme Court? Just kitten.

The owner of a ginger tabby.... The owner of a ginger tabby was sitting in a pet groomers shop eating a bag of carrots. After he was done he went to the doctor and then to a lawyer. why? His scat was orange and his cat was not.

A divorce court judge said to the husband: ""Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife 800 dollars a week."" ""That's very fair, your honour,"" he replied. ""And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

An engineer dies and goes to Hell Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, ""So, how's it going down there?"" Satan says, ""Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."" God is horrified. ""W…

A priest is about to die Heard this from the priest at my church: A priest is really sick. His whole life, he spent trying to be like Jesus. Now he is in the hospital waiting to die. He calls for his accountant and says to come visit him with his lawyer. They go and ask ""Why did you call for us?"" To which he replies ""I wanted to die like Jesus. In between two thieves""

A guy is riding his bike... He's carrying a bag in each hand so he has trouble keeping his balance. After a couple of minutes he finally falls over and drops both bags. One of them breaks open and reveals a lot of five dollar bills. A police officer sees this and comes over to help. As he sees the bag full of money, he gets suspicious and asks: ""Where did you get all that cash?"" The guy says: ""Well, I own a garden next to a tennis court and during breaks people often go there to take a piss. …

An Irishman running frantically late... for a court appearance was having trouble finding a parking spot down town. In solemn prayer he asked the Lord of Heaven to help him find a parking spot. In return he would give up his Irish whiskey and go to Sunday Mass for the rest of his life. Suddenly there, like the Red Sea parting, appeared a parking spot! ""Never mind Lord, I found one. Tanks anyway.""

My sister married a black man He's a lawyer. So now I have a brother in law.

What is the ideal weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, including the urn.

Judge-So You Want Divorce From Ur Husband Judge-So You Want Divorce From Ur Husband For Attacking You With A Deadly Weapon ? . . . . . Wife- No... . . . . . . . . . I Want Divorce For Attacking Me Every Night With A Dead Weapon......

Broke a mirror today Seven years bad luck, my lawyer says he will get it down to five

Bathroom Confession The Benghazi hearings and Emailgate scandal in full thrust, the trial atmosphere had taken on a decidedly severe tone. Exhausted, Hillary asked for a short break to run to the loo. Once inside, she was approached by a female investigative reporter. ""Thats a tough crowd out there"", she said, attempting to cozy up to the beleaguered candidate. ""Listen, I have the inside line on an issue the new wave feminazis are aching to get at. They say it will give you the boost you need…