Lawyer Jokes

I got sacked from the dodgems. I'm going to take them to court and win the case based on funfair dismissal.

I'm a lawyer for an Orthodontist He's got me on retainer.

I don't blame people for not wanting Merrick Garland in the Supreme Court I would be scared too if I had to work with the Incredible Hulk in his later years.

A man was arrested for eating... He was at food COURT

On the first day of trial the judge called both laywers to the bench. He said ""A very troubling thing has happened. Plaintiff has sent me one point five million dollars in an attempt to secure a favorable verdict."" The plaintiff's lawyer looks crestfallen and the other lawyer beams in satisfaction. The judge then says ""Don't look so smug. Respondent has sent me one point two million dollars and a Mercedes."" Both lawyers stare at the judge, horrified. The judge passes a set of keys to one law…

Mother who killed after son's tragic death says 'no-one will ever understand that horrific day' Making fun of Court. Judge falls for the story. Out on bail just laughing. No matter who a woman kills the Judge feels sorry for them if it be their baby, toddler, older child, boyfriend or relative.

TL;DR The fine bros me: i'm allergic to peanuts fine bros: is that an allergic reaction? me: yes fine bros: see you in court

Rabbit and Snake - Joke One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were. ""OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are."" said the snake. ""That's a good idea."" said the rabbit. ""You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet."" said the snake. ""Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, ""You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."" ""Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!

Joe Biden's thoughts on the Supreme Court ""And look, I told Barack, if you really, really want to remake the Supreme Court, nominate Cruz. Before you know it, you'll have eight vacancies."" - Vice President Joe Biden https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/03/06/joe-biden-just-told-a-very-good-joke-at-ted-cruzs-expense/

A black man, a lawyer, an illegal immigrant, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar The bartender asks: ""What will it be, Mr. President?""

Why did the judge throw out Bram Stoker's lawsuit? His accusations weren't backed up by vampirical evidence

An old joke I heard Three men were hiking through the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a simple trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, ""I brought ten apples."" The king then explained, ""Next, you have to put the fruits up your butt without so much as a…

Conversation between judge and defendant.... A defendant isn't happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: ""Where do you work?"" Defendant: ""Here and there."" Judge: ""What do you do for a living?"" Defendant: ""This and that."" Judge: ""Take him away."" Defendant: ""Wait; when will I get out?"" Judge: ""Sooner or later.""

As the trial concludes, the judge instructs the jury to recess and find a verdict... but three hours pass and no word from the jury. So the judge calls the jury back into the courtroom and asks the foreman if they're is having trouble. ""It's a simple matter, why hasn't the jury returned a verdict?"" ""Well, we're trying, but we just can't find a verdict"" replies the foreman. ""On what grounds?"" ""The nice officer here takes us into a room, we're told to find a verdict. So we look all over the…

The wall between heaven and hell break Jesus goes down and tells lucifer its his job to fix it. Since the break is on his side. Lucifer replies saying: I do believe you should fix it. They agree to settle it in court. Lucifer says to jesus: good luck getting a lawyer. Jesus replies: thats fine. But remember, my Fathers the judge.

1000$ a night The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. ""Can I help you?"" the madam asked. ""I want Natalie,"" the old man replied. ""Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."" ""No, I must see Natalie."" Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man cal…

There's five people on a plane... A doctor, a preacher, a lawyer, a young boy, and the pilot. The pilot comes on the intercom mid-flight screaming ""Mayday! Mayday! The plane is going to crash! Now listen up: there's only four parachutes on this plane and five of us, so you guys decide who's staying with the plane, but I'm jumping!"" And with that, the pilot grabs a parachute and leaves the doomed plane. The doctor comes before the other passengers of the plane and says ""As a doctor, I've used …

So a woman consults a lawyer saying that she wanted a divorce... Lawyer: Do you have grounds? Woman: Yeah, we have an acre and a half L: No, that's not what I meant. Look, do you have a grudge? W: Yeah, we have one for 2 cars behind the house L: No. Look lady, does your husband beat you up? W: No, I get up about a half hour before he does L: Why do you want a divorce? W: Well, we seem to have a communication problem...

You know what was the biggest travesty to come out of the OJ Simpson Murder Trial? It made Kardashian a house-hold name.

I saw a couple of adjectives and a pronoun nervously smoking outside court yesterday. Probably awaiting sentencing.

Wonderbra tried to defend there new bra today. But it didn't hold up in court.

A lawyer who lost his left arm in an accident and exclaimed ""MY ROLEX!"" [SPOILER] A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. ""NOOO!"" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, ""MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED…

A man is driving along and sees a lawyer on the side of the road... ...thinking he'll do the world a favor, he jerks the wheel and runs over the lawyer as he drives by. Further down the road he sees another man along the side of the road and as he gets closer he realizes it's a priest and that he's in need of help. At this point he decides to keep his public service streak going and he pulls over and offers the priest a ride. The two continue on to where they're going when the man sees yet anoth…

Lawyer Rock Client Shock. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. ""Can you tell me how much you charge?"", said the client. ""Of course"", the lawyer replied, ""I charge $200 to answer three questions!"" ""Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"" ""Yes it is"", said the lawyer, ""And what's your third question?""

I would like to burn my alarm clock and sue the makers of it for all the years of mental trauma, anguish, and self-loathing it's morning beeps are the direct cause of. But I'd probably be late to court.