Lawyer Jokes

Smart ass in court >Young man, where do you work? - *Asks the judge* Here and there >And what do you do? This and that >Take him to the cell! Wait Your Honor, when will I leave? >Sooner or later

[Request for help] Remembering a joke. Hi Reddit, please help me remember a joke. (My dad used to tell it every day, now i cant remember it and its killing me) Its a joke about lawyers and fun. something something, you lawyers cant have any fun, and the lawyer replies to the other the definition of fun is. and that is the punchline. If you know it please write it out, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

A white guy walks into a bar... exam. He passes and becomes a well respected lawyer.

Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's ""Wright"" all the time.

a lawyer, a priest, and a gangster walk into a bar bartender says, ""what is this, a joke??""

A man goes to the lawyer: ""What is your fee?"" Lawyer says: ""1000 US dollars for 3 questions."" Man: ""Wow - so much! Isn't it a bit expensive?"" Lawyer: ""Yes, what is your third question?""

A policeman pulled me over right as I was about to climax. He said ""put your hands where I can see them, and don't resist. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law."" So I came quietly.

Why did the Energizer Bunny need to lawyer up? He was charged with battery.

I was really angry when my wife tried to sue me for impotence But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court

A blind judge conducted a trial.. And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant. he couldn't see the truth.

A lawyer walks into a bar... He passes.

A woman was accused of attacking her husband with several guitars. When she got in front of the judge he asked, ""first offender?"" She replied, ""No. First a Gibson, second a Fender.""

So I got a ticket last night I was coming back from my friend's gig at a restaurant, where I enjoyed a good Italian dinner an hour prior. Here's how the initial conversation went: Cop: ""Where have you been tonight?"" Me: ""Fratello's Restaurant. My pal was playing guitar for the crowd from 6-9 pm."" Cop: ""Have you have anything to drink?"" Me: ""Yes, I had one Merlot wine, which I had with my fillet of sole Oreganata dinner."" Cop: ""And when was that?"" Me: ""What, the Merlot wine?"" Cop: ""Y…

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back …

My friends all judge me for being a heroin addict... I guess they just don't like strong women

Prince passed away today, here's a joke inspired by him. RIP Prince! A company, Sun Microsystems, invented a programming language called Java. They filed copyright for this word and they now own the word Java. Sun's lawyers quickly decided to sue the Island of Java's government for copyright infringement. That's right, Sun says that the name of a country is infringing on their copyright! The case went to court, the battle was long and hard but in the end, Sun Microsystems lawyers won the case. T…

A Priest a Rabbi and a Scientologist walk into a bar... The Priest orders an orange juice, the Rabbi orders an apple juice and the Scientologist orders a lawsuit for libel, slander and defamation.

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court... During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty. Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: ""Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"" The judge replied: ""Temporary insanity"". To which the prosecutor exclaimed: ""All 12 of them?""

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ""Lawyer"", and the party of the second part, also known as ""Light Bulb"", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the a…

Please don't joke about the holocaust, my grandfather died at Auschwitz He had everything taken away from him. He was a lawyer, then they didn't let Jews practice laws, so he packed shells full of explosive powder for 12 hours a day, then he was sent to the camps where he dug holes until a guard shot him for no reason. He was exterminated. That guard was never tried and ended up being a dentist in Stuttgart after the war.

O.J Simpson trial The first day of O. J's trial he showed up wearing a big straw hat, a Tommy Bahama shirt, swim trunks, and flip flops. Johnny Cochran asks him why the hell are you wearing that? O. J. says you said I was going to Cancun Cochran replies I said you're going to the can, coon

The Panama Papers on floppy disks If the Panama Papers were copied to standard 1.44mb floppy disks and then stacked perfectly, the total volume would cover a basketball court 6"" deep if stacked evenly, or roughly half the size of your mom.

What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50? Good morning your Honor!

Judge: Do you mix horse meat with chicken? Defendant: Yes, my lord..... Judge; How much. Def: 50:50 Jud: Please elaborate. Def: **One horse to one chicken.**

The Queen doesn't like to speak about the paedophiles in her court... They're all touchy subjects.