Lawyer Jokes

Tim the Conductor Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the trains nearly every day by screwing up his timing, causing other trains to have to wait on him. Tim's conducting got worse and worse as time went on. One day, Tim decided to try and …

Former police officers are offering their services to appear in court for you. It's a form of copper recycling.

Did you hear about the Galvanic cell that went to court? He was charged with a salt and battery.

Two parents are getting a divorce... The judge gets to the point in which custody of their only daughter should be decided, he begins by asking her ""Do you want to live with your daddy?"" she replies, ""No, he beats me"" the judge then asks, ""Do you want to live with your mommy?"" she replies, ""No, she beats me"" finally the judge asks, ""who do you want to live with then?"" ""The Dallas Cowboys, they don't beat anyone!""

Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster's primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What did russian judge say to the jury? I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

The song ""Hotel California"" could never be admitted into evidence in a court of law. It's entirely hearsay (he said/she said)

Trust me, I'm a liar. Lawyer, I meant lawyer.

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, ""Sir, you are hereby fined $100."" The lawyer stood up and said, ""Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd...""

What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel? **Am I being retained?** **Am I being retained?**

Chinese Doctor A Chinese Doctor opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Chinese: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."" Lawyer: ""Ugh. this is kerosene."" Chinese: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."" The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to r…

Showing contempt of court. A lawyer is having a tough time during trial. The judge doesn't like him very much and keeps overruling any objection raised by the lawyer and sustaining the ones raised by the other lawyer. This goes on all afternoon and the lawyer is getting really frustrated. Finally, not able to take anymore, he drops his pants and moons his lordship. The judge, red in the face, thunders ""Are you showing your contempt for the court, counselor?"" The lawyer replies ""No, your hono…

A judge condemns a prisoner to a surprise execution that will take place at 11:59 PM on either Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. The prisoner concludes that he won't be executed on Friday, since that wouldn't be a surprise. Then he realizes that, with Friday eliminated, the latest he could be executed would be Thusday, which would mean that if he made it to Thursday evening, then an execution at that time wouldn't be surprising either. He then realizes that the same logic applies …

THE HONEST LAWYER When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth? When his lips are shut.

The Honorable Judge Matthew McConaughey enters the court room All rise all rise all rise.

Woman Admits To Sleeping With Husband's Brother and Husband replies Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new ne…

Your wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have a decision to make.... Fish or chicken for dinner?

Lawyer In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: ""Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"" ""No."" ""So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"" ""Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.

Smartest human competition Once upon a time a major TV outlet hosted greatly revered competition to determine the smartest, wisest, brightest specimen of Homo Sapiens once and for all. The popularity and feedback was unprecedented. Millions applied. After months of long and detailed tests ranging from simple IQ tests to timed QED calculations a surprising result emerged. There was two unexpected standing challengers: An Irish priest and an Australian farmer. Grand jury began final round televise…

beautiful wife!If You Like Then comment it! A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're beautiful!"" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're cute!"" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of ""beautiful,"" it was ""cute."" She asked, ""What happened to 'beautiful…

My Old Teammate Ron. So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7"" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy was driving drunk and wrecked. Ron wasn't wearing his seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle. He suffered a lot of serious injuries, but what was devastating was that they had t…

Did you hear about the Supreme Court ruling that you can marry a sandwich? Yeah, the BLT community are very excited!

I have a problem with taking things literally. My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

x-post from R.J Morgan Berkeley - The Battle of Good versus Evil in the PC Age Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days. Finally they agreed to set up a test that would run two hours and then judge who does the better job.""So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They …