Lawyer Jokes

The Pig So I was driving through the countryside near my house very early in the morning. There were no cars anywhere, and no one to be seen. As I was driving, a pig suddenly runs into the road, leaving me with no time to avoid hitting it. As no one was around, I left the pig and drove home. The next morning, I got a court notice in the mail for the slaughter of a local farmer's pig. How did they find out I killed it? The pig squealed.

Frog business So there's this frog named Gerry, he's a lawyer. He's reached a slow part in his busy day so he's perched on a log picking off a cloud of nearby flies one by one. Suddenly his secretary, named Janet, hops up to his log and says ""Gerry, what are you doing? You've got an appointment with a prospective client in 10 minutes!"" Gerry, surprised and a bit ruffled, replies, ""Wow, really? Time sure is fun when you're having flies!""

An Irishman walks into a talent agency and he says to the judge, ""Hey, I've got this great double act I want to show you."" The judge, perplexed says, ""Uh, well there's only one of you."" Suddenly, the Irishman's identical twin brother jumps out from behind him and the judge remarks, ""Two Shay.""

SHARING A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, ""Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."" The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, ""Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."" Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

TIL a man went in to have his right leg amputated but somehow they removed his left. After the mistake was corrected, he then sued but lost Judge said he didn't have a leg to stand on

What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a blood sucking parasite, and the other is an insect.

The 7 Deadly Rules/Sins For Hipster #1. Be fashionable... Never! Never leave your house without red lipstick on (advice for women) or beard (for men). #2. Starbucks is your best friend now! Quit your lactose intolerance as fast as possible! Who cares about your health, just drink your chai tea latte and be cool! #3. Instagram: take a picture of your salad before the person next to you does! You need more followers who gonna support you when your hairdresser dyes your hair a wrong colour! #4. I k…

Getting married in heavan (oringinal) On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and …

Religious differences Judge asks one young couple: The reason of your divorce? Wife: Religious differences! My husband did not recognize that I goddess.

My friend lives on a court with a sign, ""No outlet."" I wonder where he plugs in his TV?

A lawyer an engineer and a priest are on death row The lawyer sits down the man pulls the switch lots of buzzing but nothing happens. So next came the priest he sits down the man pulls the switch and tons of buzzing but nothing happens to the priest. Then the engineer sits down but as there putting the gear on him he looks up and says aren't those two wires supposed to be connected

At the height of a political corruption trial... ...the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. ""Isn't it true,"" he bellowed, ""that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. ""Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"" the lawyer repeated loudly. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, ""Sir, please answer the question."" ""Oh…

Hear about the new bar in town? Pat and Mike are sitting at the bar when Pat says, ""You hear they got this new bar... and you go inside and for half a buck you get a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and get you laid... Mike says, ""Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean to say there's a new bar and you go inside and for a half a buck they give you a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and they get you laid?"" Pat says, ""That's right.…

The Will A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, ""This needs an heircut.""

I hate when people judge me because I have tattoos I will only date people with tattoos

How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a ""camera crew"" 4) Verify person's name 5) JK you've been served.

A little music theory for you all C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, ""sorry, but we don't serve minors."" So E-Flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, ""Excuse me. I'll just be a second."" Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Th…

A joke for Memorial Day! At a 10 year high school reunion, a serviceman and a lawyer walk into the men's room. After using the urinal, the serviceman zips up and heads for the door. The young lawyer while using the sink states ""wow, had you gone to college maybe you would have learned to wash your hands!"" The serviceman simply replies ""In the military, they taught us not to get piss on our hands. ""

Before you judge someone... Walk a mile in their shoes. If you still don't like them, at least they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

A pregnant lady on a bus A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Hon…

You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member. You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Never judge a book by its cover Use the paragraph on the back instead..

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE. A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type. Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure …

Canadian court... Do you plead sorry or not sorry?

Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer? He wanted someone who understood *capitals* and *lower* case.