Lawyer Jokes

Well Done to Barack Obama... The first Black man to hear the words 'four more years' without them being spoken by a Judge during a parole hearing.

The Parrot A young attorney has just moved into a new apartment closer to her law firm. The first morning taking her new route to work she comes to a pet shop with a parrot sitting on a perch outside. When she gets near the parrot he says ""Hey, lady"" she smiles and says ""Yes?"" to which the parrot replies ""You sure are ugly!"" Shocked and angry she stomps off and goes to work. That night on her way home she nears the pet shop again and sees the parrot. The parrot says ""Hey lady!"" so again …

Floyd Mayweather got off again even when there was a video of him beating her. Because it was so boring the jury walked out half way through.

So Zeke comes up for trial on a bestial sodomy charge and the judge says to him ... ... Now Zeke - you do understand the charge, do you not? Bestial sodomy? No, Yer Honor, I can't rightly say I do ... Well Zeke - bestial sodomy is having carnal relations with cows, dogs, sheep, goats, deer, cats, geese, chickens Chickens? Yecccccch!

Jesus and Satan's tech battle One day, both Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was better at computers. This debate lasted for so long that God decided to step in and declare a contest - each would compete against the other in a series of computer-related tasks to determine computer superiority once and for all. God would be the judge, and to be fair the contest would be held in Hell. So, the contest began. Both Jesus and Satan did Paint, PowerPoints and spreadsheets. They did program…

Judge: You said that your wife was going with a friend.. Judge: You said that your wife was going with a friend amour killed. But why did you kill your wife not to kill a friend? Assamese: Sir, my many friends. Moments wife died more than a week, the buddy is not so simple as it seems. : q

A lawyer went to heaven. Upon arriving in heaven the lawyer sees St. Peter at Heaven's Gate. The lawyer exclaims to St. Peter in a distressed tone, ""I'm too young to be here!"" St. Peter glances at the lawyer and says, ""According to your time slips, you should have been here 100 years ago.""

Death sentance. A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process. After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence. Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell and walks h…

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing relationships. The doctor claimed that it's best to be married because a steady life is beneficial for one's health. The lawyer argued that it's always best not to marry, so that you can break things up without that many complications. And the mathematician said: ""no, what's best is to have both a wife and a lover, so when each one thinks you are with the other, you can study mathematics.""

Getting Married in Heavon On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two …

Why did they pull a lawsuit against the spa for their wax treatment? It was a ripoff.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: ""Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."" ""How about that!"" he exclaimed. ""They've got three people buried in one grave.""

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg... The captain comes over the intercom: ""Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats"". The social worker yells out: ""Women & children first!"" The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: ""Screw the children!"" The priest responds: ""Do we have time?""

A man is going to prison. A judge asks him if there's anything he'd like to say before sentencing. The thief says ""do you know why it's hard to take kleptomaniac and pun seriously?"" ""Why?"" asks the judge. ""Because they take things literally"" replied the prisoner.

Punny Pirate Puns * Why do novice pirates make terrible singers? Because hey can't hit the high seas. * The designer wondered why his pirate room wasn't perfect, and the judge told him he went a little overboard. * Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear. * A pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a legacy. * The pirate captain's list was to starboard when he failed to ketch his bottle of port which fell onto the poop deck after he nearly keeled over.

my wife's divorcing me and i asked reddit for help i hit the lawyer, what now

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal traffic accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly become married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. Nobody asked this before. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Six months had passed and …

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven...

A woman was on trial for murdering her husband with his guitar. The judge asked, ""First offender?"" She replied, ""No. First it was the Gibson, then the Fender.""

With today's guilty verdict Aaron Hernandez went from a tight end to a soon to be wide receiver.

Lawyer Riddle A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are sitting at a table. There is a $20 bill in the middle of the table. All of a sudden, the lights in the room go off. When they come back on, the $20 bill is gone. Who took it? The high priced lawyer, because the low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are figments of your imagination.

A couple crash their car before getting married When they arrive at heavens gates they ask saint peter if they could get married in heaven saint peter says he will have a look. After six months he returns saying that they can. After one year they go to saint peter asking for a divorce. To which saint peter replies with "" DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND A PRIEST? HOW AM I GOING TO FIND A LAWYER?!

A dyslexis boss fired a man today. The court said it was first degree homicide. (Fired fried)

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitate…

""How dare you judge her size..."" ""The woman has had three children!"" ""For lunch?""