Lawyer Jokes

A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her... A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, ""Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client's wife actually alive, but she'll walk through that door in ten seconds."" An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but the ten seconds pass, and nothing happens. ""Think about that,"" the lawyer says. ""The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the m…

Blondes...not always dumb. A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "" Again, she declines and tries to get some sle…

My lawyer friend loves board games... ...but he has been sad lately, ever since he started that Risk-free 30-day trial.

A big city lawyer... A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ""I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."" The old farmer Peter replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer sai…

I was having trouble with my computer... (I honestly don't know if this is a repeat or not. Don't judge.) ...so I called a neighbor, Joseph, to help. Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ""So, what was wrong?"" He replied, ""It was an ID ten T error."" I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ""An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."" Joseph grinned, ""Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T…

A Jew, a Catholic and a colored boy go the heaven. Does anyone know the rest of this joke? Judge Schmels was telling it to the Bishop in caddyshack. And never told the punch line.

A survey company interviews 3 Christians and asks them about their daily routine. The first man says ""Well, I wake up and kiss my beautiful wife and thank Jesus for this lovely day. Then I go to church if I am in the mood. If I'm not in the mood, I watch gospel TV."" The interviewer says: ""But I thought Christians had to go to church every Sunday."" ""Well,"" replies the man, ""My pastor never told me that."" The second man says: ""I wake up and eat a delicious breakfast, but not before saying…

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street ... when they happen across a basketball court full of twelve-year-old boys shooting hoops. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, ""Rabbi, you want to go screw those kids?"" And the rabbi replies with a shrug, ""Out of what?!""

A World War II joke What was the German Shepard's defense at his Nuremberg trial? ""I was just following odors.""

Defendant wanted to bribe the judge. CIGARS A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, ""If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."" ""It's in the judge's hands now,"" said the lawyer. ""Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"" asked the defendant. ""Oh no!"" said the lawyer. ""This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even s…

A guy was on trial for stealing a bike but no one could prove he was guilty . The judge declared him innocent and as he was walking out of the court , he turned to the judge and said , "" does this mean i get to keep the bike ?""

Flaws Your cheeks are red, your face is yellow, your eyes are brown and you look like a fellow. Not here to judge the colors you choose but come on really, the lipstick ain't you. But do as you wish, cover up your flaws. Cause I myself wear a dress to cover my ball

Why didn't the lawyer monkey make any money? Because he did all his work pro bonobo

What do you call a cop in court for murder? Unlikely

April Fools An atheist created a case in court against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, ""Case dismissed!"" The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling…

Three guys are sentenced to 20 years Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, ""I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be…

Im not a lawyer But I do have a small private firm right now.

Pilot held without bail. Judge concerned about the risk of flight.

Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King? Because you have to court her before you pound her.

A woman is on trial for murdering her husband. ""So ma'am, first offender?"" ""No! First a Gibson, THEN a Fender.""

Three frogs were arrested, then taken to court. The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, ""What's your name?"" ""Frog,"" he replies. ""What did you do?"" ""I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor."" With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. ""What's your name?"" asks the judge. ""Frog Frog."" ""What were you doing?"" ""I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir."" With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, ""Let me guess, your na…

A man walks into an antique store... and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies ""It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."" The man replies ""I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says ""All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."" The ma…

A judge in a semi-small city...... was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the …

A man was pulled over for driving too fast - Funny Joke A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket…

Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked ... ..., ""Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"" ""Yes, Bubba, that's true."" answered the lawyer. ""And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"" ""Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"" 'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been dating …