Lawyer Jokes

Why was the marsupial wrongly convicted? He was tried in a kangaroo court.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ""What'll you have?"" The guy answers ""A scotch please."" The bartender hands him the drink, and says, ""That'll be five dollars,"" to which the guy replies, ""What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."" A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ""You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of rem…

Man Gets Biggest Shock Ever After Eating A Hot Chilli. This Is Insane I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that mornin…

Lawyer joke The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is many millions of dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is…

A German man was fined 500 for sedating his girlfriend so that he could keep playing video games. The court called it ""an act of deliberate assault,"" while Bill Cosby called it ""a waste of perfectly good sedative.""

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven God appears next to the man and exclaims, ""You aren't allowed up here!"". The man scoffs and says, ""It's cause I'm a lawyer isn't it?"" God shakes his head in disappointment, ""No, it's cause you're a master debater"" Ba dum tssshhh

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator? Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

Did you hear the one about the guy who wasn't satisfied with heaven. A man dies and goes to heaven. After awhile he realizes it's not all it's cracked up to be. One day he goes to God and says ""I'm suing you"", God looks at him and says, ""Good luck finding a lawyer up here.""

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say ""Bless me, father, for I have sinned and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.""

What happens when a lawyer becomes the leader of communities? [deleted]

A village of glass houses... There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who lived in the village believed in complete and utter honesty. Therefore, telling a lie was punishable by death, and nothing could be hidden from anyone. Everything was out in…

Last Night.. I was about to kill a spider. My wife told me to take it out instead. Turns out he's a pretty cool guy, his names Luke and he want's to be a lawyer.

The Oldest Profession A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks. ""Medicine is the oldest,"" declared the doctor, ""because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."" ""That's true,"" agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, ""but even earlier God created the universe out if chaos, and that's engineering."" ""And who"" asked the lawyer, casually knocking over the engineers drink, ""do you think created all the chaos?""

Breast Stroke A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the j…

I hear the new Supreme Court ruling over gay marriage has really got a lot of people butt hurt

Starting to reconsider the Supreme Court decision... what are these lesbian newlyweds going to do with all the sandwiches they make if they always eat out?

The Defence A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. ""Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. ""Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jur…

I am so happy the US Supreme Court legalized gay marriage because I know that now the government and citizens will focus on the really important problems and issues.

What do you call a black attorney? A brotha-in-law

A lawyer, a surgeon, and an engineer... A lawyer, surgeon, and engineer are taking a survey for a college on the most desired careers. One question at the end says ""What do you do for a living, and please give a short description."" Each of them filled the blank space and turned in their survey. The lawyer wrote wrote about how he was a defense attorney and named off the numerous high profile cases he had been a part of. He made a few spelling mistakes and simply drew a line through the misspel…

I'm taking a course in self defense. I can't afford a trial lawyer.

What does a black lawyer deliver in court? Nigga' pleas

The Brothel... The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg, Canada and saw a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. ""May I help you sir?"" she asked.The man replied, ""I want to see Valerie.""""Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else"" said the madam.He replied, ""No, I must see Valerie.""Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out…

Documentary Crew on a Cannibal Island A documentary crew of three guys explore an island and stumble across some natives. The natives turn out to be cannibals and the three guys get captured and tied up. They are each given an option; ""You can either complete our two trials, fail and we'll kill you and eat you or don't take part in the trials and we'll kill you and eat you right now."" All three decided the trials were a better option. ""So what is the first trial?"" one said. ""Go into the for…

A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge. The judge asks ""What does the defendant plea?"" The lawyer replies ""Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."" The judge has a puzzled look on his face. Lawyer: ""He identifies himself as an innocent man.""