Lawyer Jokes

Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical I am appealing (-Stewart Francis)

What costs you more the less you spend on it? A divorce lawyer.

my chilli fart.... went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cup…

Blonde finally wins A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawy…

Manyard Begley, a wealthy patent lawyer, had a lovely summer house in rural maine. Each year, he invited a different friend to spend a week or two with him. One year, he decided to invite a friend from the Czech Republic. The two friends had an amazing time together, rising early and going hiking in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, they came across two enormous bears-- a male …

The airport lost my luggage so I took it to court. I lost my case.

my shit doesn't stink I did this years ago so here goes. I was working for a small company fabricating plastic tanks. One day when me and another guy were working , on an item, I farted really loud. He said,"" I'm not going near you"", and went outside for air. Now for some reason it didn't stink and I hollered at him , ""Come back my farts don't stink!"" Of course he didn't believe me and when he came back in 5 minutes there was no smell and , he said as much. The trap was set! I told him that …

How does a lawyer sleep? He rests his case...

Skills shortage in heaven Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; ""It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."" ""Yeah,"" Satan replies. ""All the more for me!"" God replies, ""You better send them up here immediately."" Satan says, ""No way. I'm keeping them."" God says, ""Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."" Satan laughs , ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

Old southern farmer walks into a law office to get a divorce The farmer says, I want a deevorce. The lawyer asks, do you have grounds? Farmer: Yes I have 40 acres. Lawyer: No No I mean do you have a case? Farmer: No I have a John Deere Lawyer: UGH, you are not getting it, do you have a grudge?? Farmer: Yea, that is where I keep my John Deere. Frustrated Lawyer: OK lets try this, what is wrong with her, is she a nagger? Farmer: No but our son is that is why I want the deeeeevorce

A beautiful young girl of around 18 years tried to board a bus. A beautiful young girl of around 18 years,tried to board a bus but the bus conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the cent…

A boy and his mother passed a cemetery. The boy saw a gravestone read 'Here lies an honest lawyer'. He said to his mother ""I thought Gandhi was cremated.""

What's the best way a husband can screw his wife? By hiring a divorce lawyer Edit: thought of a slightly better and less predictable one. A husband works long and hard every day, coming home very tired. What's the most effective way he can screw his wife? By using all that extra money to hire a divorce lawyer

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, ""if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"" ""Absolutely,"" the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, ""Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."" The lawyer, without a word, writes the butch…

Court Room Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where …

My father was a nun Whenever the judge asked him for his occupation he would always answer ""nun"".

Did you hear? The supreme court ruled that gay marriage has extended to swans.

So a Louisiana man is speaking with a divorce lawyer... ""so lemme ask a question man she no want to be man and wife no more"" ""Yes sir I'm very sorry but that is correct"" ""well damn, do that mean we ain't brother and sister any mo' either?""

The red banana There was a man who was a train engineer, but also drove the train, and has been doing this for around twenty years now. Eventually, the man was bored working on the train one day and rigged it to go faster than normal, and on a curve he needed to slow down for, he sped up, crashing into a building and killing everyone on board except for himself. He was taken to court, and was found guilty, and sentenced to death. He requested his last meal to be a red banana, only to be found in…

Lawyers A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, ""Excuse me, what's your rate?"" The Lawyer says, ""Fifty dollars for three questions."" The woman is shocked. ""Isn't that a little steep?"" "" Yes,"" says the lawyer.""What's your third question?""

Wisdom at its finest - Don't judge a book for you are not a judge. - Birds of the same feather are the same birds. - Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine. - An apple a day is seven apples a week.

The court was very accommodating handing Jared a fifteen year sentence. He'll even be able to take his girlfriend out for her 21st birthday.

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked: What is 2+2? The engineer thought awhile and finally answered: 4. Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied: 4.0. Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician: What do you want it to be?

So the Judge says ""OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty."" Then he leans over and whispers ""Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"" The accused says ""A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot.""

I wanted to report the police for damaging my luggage while searching my car But the case got thrown out of court